Finding Common Ground in the Bedroom
March 30th, 2012
Here’s a conundrum: men need sex to feel close while women need to feel close to have sex (that is, according to Sheila Wray Gregoire and her new book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex).
While I don’t agree with everything Gregoire says about the nature of relationships I do think that she’s definitely on to something here. When my husband has a rough day, sex is the way he winds down, de-stresses and feels connected to me. When I have a bad day I want to wind down, de-stress and connect with him BEFORE I can begin to think about sex. Makes you wonder how we’ve survived as a species.
So what’s the solution? Do we go against our nature and do it anyway to please our partner, or do we expect him to bend to our will and wait until we’re good and ready?
The answer is yes. This is one of those times in relationships where compromises are made and everyone ultimately gets what they want/need. I have sex with my husband, he feels closer to me because of the release of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and shows me more affection, which I need to connect with him and have sex with him, which makes him feel closer to me. It’s cyclical. And everybody wins.
Gregoire suggests women take control in the bedroom – making us feel powerful and leaving him like a quivering puddle of afterglow (which will presumably result in heaps of affectionate gratitude). If that’s a bit too much compromise for you, try some massage – it’s sensual, it’s intimate, and it’s a chance to truly give and take. And give some more.